you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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