Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Randomize
