god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
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