Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
