mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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