Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
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