Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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