it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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