I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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