Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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