Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
