I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
