I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
