dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
