how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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