i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
