I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
