just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
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I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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