i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Randomize
