oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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