I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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