and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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