At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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