Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
