I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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