I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
