does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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