omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
