don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
