I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
