You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
