I faked an abortion last night.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
