is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
