i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
So here I am, sexting at work.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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