Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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