I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
