Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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