so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
