Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Someone signed my nipple.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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