I just cut my nipple shaving
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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