So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
