how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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