You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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