Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
