My sheets look like a crime scene.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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