Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
