are you so shy because you have an std?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
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