After last night, I could never be a politician.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
