you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
