so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Success! We fucked roommates!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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