Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
