i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Drunk is not a location!
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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