I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
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just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
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Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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