dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
