life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
