he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
