dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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